Episode 20: My Mother the Scofflaw

Like many people, Shirley drives more slowly the older she gets. But she took umbrage with those around her who wanted to go faster.

“I’m going the speed limit and the car behind me (and the cars behind him) is riding on my bumper. Well, I’m not going to go any faster so he can just live with it. Oh, he’s going around me – this isn’t a passing lane.”

Her issues with driving didn’t stop at speeders. If I were driving and stopped at a stop sign, I would sometimes ease forward to get a better look at oncoming traffic.

“Virginia creeper,” she’d say with satisfaction, until the day I told her if she ever used the expression again, I’d be hitting the ejecto button for the passenger seat.

One of Shirley’s most annoying habits involved the turn signal. If she were planning on turning left, say, a mile ahead, she’d turn the signal on early. We had many arguments about how misleading that was to other drivers, not to mention dangerous.

The day came when my mother was toodling down a street in her vibrant turquoise Plymouth Valiant in Bethesda. Maryland. Surprisingly, she was pulled over by a policeman. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

“License and registration, ma’am.”

“Why have you pulled me over,” she’d demand. “I haven’t done anything wrong!”

“What do you think the speed limit is here?”

“Speed limit! I don’t know but I was going the speed limit.”

“No, you were going over the speed limit.”

“What? Over the speed limit? Of course, I wasn’t.”

“Well, I clocked you at 30 miles an hour and the speed limit is 25. . .”

“That isn’t speeding, young man. I was going at a perfectly safe speed.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to give you a ticket and you’ll have to go to traffic court.”

“Traffic court!”

Shirley did indeed attend traffic court. When the judge asked her if she’d every had a ticket before, she jumped to her feet and launched into a peppery lecture about the flaws of the traffic control system.

I’m sure he was sorry he asked.